So I met this girl (part 2.5)

Alright so I’m finally going to meet with Valentine this weekend.. after all of this time. I actually feel really great about the situation and I’m seriously hoping everything works out. I mean I’m still nervous as hell but I’m also really tired of waiting. I told her that I went through some major changes during the past few months that I hadn’t seen her and that I wanted to show her something and get her advice/opinions. She seemed pretty excited to hear my story and we agreed to meet up after she finishes her finals (she’s a college student).

I’m finally going to show her this blog (she was the one who inspired me to create it). After I show her and we talk then I will finally reveal this blog to my friends and family. Maybe not right after but most likely by the end of this month or early next month. I’m especially scared about that…even more than the valentine thing actually, but it needs to be done. I’ll get used to all of this soon enough I hope.

If you haven’t read so I met this girl (part 1) or so I met this girl (part 2) then you might want to before I release part 3 by the end of this month. Stay tuned! 🙂

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The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Cope in the Busy World of Today

Human beings are empathetic creatures by nature, we can all to at least some degree understand what another person is going through, even if it’s just a little bit. Some people can go as far as feeling what the other person feels. The highly sensitive individual is a special case. This is when the ability to feel becomes so intense that it can potentially become too much to handle.

A few things that can potentially be harmful for Highly Sensitive Individuals:

  • Too many sudden changes in the physical environment
  • Too much negative energy from the surrounding people
  • Loud noises, bright lights, and crowded places with many people

If the environment is simply too much for a highly sensitive person to handle then it can even manifest into physical ailments and sicknesses.

So what can these people do to cope with such a trait?

Being a highly sensitive individual in the world of today is not an easy task… but it is more than possible to cope. It does not need to be seen in a negative light either. The key is simply to understand yourself and your limits.

For adults it is a lot easier because you have freedom to live how you choose. If you don’t want to work in a busy environment filled with tons of people talking at the top of their lungs every second of the day then you don’t have to.

For children however, it is a whole different story because children cannot just do whatever they want. Highly sensitive children are at the mercy of their parent/guardian. They have to go to school and they are expected to deal with the same conditions that everyone else deals with. And they will not receive special treatment unless they have a disability that the school finds legitimate.

Public school for highly sensitive children can potentially be hell depending on the environment. These children cannot choose when they feel, they unconsciously absorb the emotions of the people around them, all the time. Their energy levels and their ability to focus can severely plummet if the environment does not suit the child. This is why public school can severely hamper a child’s ability to focus and succeed academically. A peaceful and organized environment is best suited for these individuals.

A few things that can happen when a Highly Sensitive Person feels overwhelmed:

  • Severe energy depletion
  • Anxiety and confusion
  • Inability to focus and brain fog

It is not easy being a highly sensitive person, child or adult, but I really feel for children who may have no idea what is going on inside of them. Even worse if they think that there something is wrong with themselves. I believe that homeschooling is a more than viable option for children who suffer in the public school setting. If you have a child who you suspect to be highly sensitive then I would highly recommend considering the option.


Extra comments:

I myself am a highly sensitive person with the INFJ personality type and still have issues regarding negative/crowded environments. As a child it 10 times worse because I had no idea what was going on and neither did my parents. It didn’t get very much easier as I got older either. In fact I think it was the worst in high school where the environment I was in was much too rowdy and loud for me to function. And I had no choice but to deal with it and tough it through.

I think this is why I feel so passionate about the subject. I know for sure if someday my child were to show signs of being highly sensitive then I would make sure that my child feels comfortable. If my child is complaining about school and is not performing well then I will consider home school or private school in a heartbeat.

I truly wonder what it would have been like if I had been given the option to be home schooled. I could have studied in a peaceful environment without having to worry all the time. I may have actually enjoyed school if I wasn’t forced to be around such negative/loud influences all the time when I was trying to learn. I mean, I guess I learned some valuable lessons by toughing it out through public school… but still, I feel like it shouldn’t have been as terrible as it was.

A black male growing up with the INFJ personality type, how the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator changed my life

Depth Psychology/MBTI were the first of my discoveries, and I continue to learn more and more about myself all the time thanks to these studies. INFJ is my personality type, it is the rarest in the world. It consists of only 1.5% of the world’s population. 1% are female, male is .5%.

So I am a straight black male with the personality type of a highly sensitive introvert. And the INFJ personality type has a lot of qualities that most people would find feminine. In fact, it is so bad that when most people think of INFJs all they can picture is the woman of their dreams. It’s probably true though, I think the INFJ personality type has many characteristics that a lot of men would find attractive. It is even a joke around the internet that INFJ men don’t exist. And it’s pretty true, there is a pretty slim chance that you are gonna run into one and randomly become friends.

Anyway, I had a lot of trouble expressing myself and remaining true to myself as a child. Everyone around me was acting a certain way and I felt like I needed to blend in. If I didn’t then I would garner so much attention to myself I thought, and that was the one thing I wanted to avoid the most. I grew up around people who felt like they needed to act tough, and basically a bunch of people that were doing exactly what everyone else was doing. All I did my whole life was copy the people around me to get by. When I was alone the things I would think, and the way I would act would be much different then when I was around other people. When I was around people who I felt comfortable with like very close friends or family, I also showed a lot of my true self.

My older brother was the person who I copied the most. Copying his ENFP conversational style and mannerisms got me through school. Because although he is an Extravert, he is a little shy and anxious, at least he was when he was younger. So I would watch the way he would dodge questions and avoid confrontation from his peers. Like I mentioned earlier, the people around me and the neighborhood I grew up in was a place where everyone wanted to act tough. They wanted to start fights for no reason and pick on people just because they wore a t shirt that looks weird.. So if you were trying to avoid that you either had to retaliate or avoid it by being clever. My brother was the king of avoiding conflict (LOL, for real). I was so impressed that I copied him, and I still use a lot of his techniques. I think I may have taken them to the next level though to be honest.

Everyone would ask me why I was so quiet all the time and it annoyed me to death because I had no idea. I would always just say “I dunno”, that was my favorite phrase lol. I would use the same tone every time too, like a kind of annoyed tone but not enough to piss the other person off.

“I don’t know why I am so quiet, why are you so damn loud!? Don’t ask me!” I would think to myself. Okay it was probably more like,

“Holy shit why do you keep asking me the same damn question every single day!? I don’t fucking know… don’t talk to me”,

Yes, it got to that level of annoyance, but I did my best to blend in and keep calm. I would say that I was pretty damn good at blending in though, I might secretly be a really good actor.

The quiet thing was unavoidable and I always ran out of energy so fast. There was just too much going on around me. Too many things I needed to avoid, too many things I had to worry about. At home I had my alcoholic mother and financial issues to worry about, at school I had to act and I had to avoid all of the time. I would sleep in class every single day, especially in high school. I was too tired and I was not trying to listen to some boring ass teacher all day. I never caused trouble in class and I was always quiet. I never raised my hand and I tried to stay awake when I could. At first, teachers would tell me to wake up. But at some point I think maybe the teachers just understood? Because I kept doing it and most of them just stopped bothering me, I mean I usually passed anyway, sometimes barely. I hated school. I had friends that I enjoyed hanging out with, but the whole idea of school killed me inside. Nothing interested me, and I rushed through everything. Speeches, presentation, and group projects made me want to die, literally. I would always stutter when I did presentations, then I would stop talking. It always pissed me off that I was forced to do them to pass. Lunch was the best part because I actually had freedom. If I wanted to take a nap then I could take a nap, if I wanted to talk to my friends then I could.

I had my conflicts at times but I was very good getting on the good side of people. I was in 1 fight in high school, it didn’t escalate to fist fight level but it felt pretty intense to me, lots of yelling and pushing. He kicked me too LOL, and over the dumbest reason, I’m not even gonna say. Oh, and he called me a Nigger, like really? It could have only been out of pure rage because that had nothing to do with why we were fighting. I never hit him back, I only pushed him and looked angry, a crowd started to gather and it made me self conscious so I walked away. About a week later he apologized to me and we made up. I still talked to him after that and acted nice, who knows how I truly felt inside though, I don’t remember.

I’d say it was pretty amazing that I was only in one fight the entire time despite how ghetto my high school was. Blacks vs Mexicans was the thing. There would be gang fights at lunch and a whole lot other shady shit going down. One time this chick had a baby in the bathroom next to my class and the ambulance came and everything, shit was crazy. I stayed out of all of that. I found my refuge with the gamers and the band geeks, they were much more peaceful. Oh yea, I also played the alto saxophone in middle school and high school. That was actually the only class that I legitimately enjoyed. I was even in marching band for a year in high school, and was in wind ensemble all four years in high school.

When I got to college I started to learn about freedom. If I didn’t want to go to class I didn’t have to go to class, I’m paying for it anyway. Same with homework. So you have freedom when it comes to getting work done and you have freedom when it comes to who you choose to hang around. The environment is much more peaceful than high school for sure, and people are a lot more understanding. I discovered myself in college. It was a gradual process, but from freshman year to my now senior year (one more semester and I’m done!!), I seem to be a completely different person. I think I just gradually got more comfortable being myself and remaining independent.

The biggest breakthrough in my life was when I discovered that my personality type was INFJ. It was about 8-9 months ago, yes, that recent. At that moment everything in my life started to make sense. It was crazy, like a surge of thoughts rushed through my head, and connections from the past were made and understood all at once. I cried, mainly because It killed me that I couldn’t understand why I was so anxious, shy, quiet, and tired all the time and everyone else wasn’t. At some point I literally thought I had a mental disorder or something. Speaking was something that made me anxious. I could never speak for more than 10 or 15 seconds or my anxiety would kick in. There were too many eyes on me and it made me feel extremely uncomfortable. I would get the feeling that I was about to cry if I was forced to speak for longer than that, which is why presentations in high school/middle school killed me, everyone is so judgmental at that age. In normal conversion I always kept my words short. And I still do. I truly am a man of few words for people who know me personally. I can speak up when I need to, but I generally keep to myself most of the time. I observe and listen to everyone else speak, then I chime in with my 2 cents.

Now I could finally answer the people from high school who asked me why I am so quiet. “Because I’m a fucking INFJ, my default mode of living is in my head”  !!!

The fact that there are other people in the world like me made me feel not crazy. Making that discovery told me that it is normal to be myself. It doesn’t matter how the people around me are acting, I can do whatever I want and it doesn’t matter what they think. I was not able to realize that and truly believe it until that very moment. It pissed me off that it took me so long to figure this out because god knows I tried to “fix” myself because I thought there was something wrong with me. I would fixate on little faults in myself. Physically, mentally, everything. I went from thinking that changing my hair style would give me more confidence and cure my shyness, to researching if what I was feeling was part of a mental disorder. I fixated on many, many things. I was so critical of myself and any little flaw I could point out I did. I would think so negatively and I think it reflected in how I presented myself.

Fast forward to now. I have learned so much about myself and I feel like I am comfortable with who I am. I also think I reflect that image now. It took a long time but I have come a long way. The push from the INFJ discovery propelled me to this stage. I have also become a lot more tolerant of the people around me now that I understand why they do the things they do. I want to continue to express myself because although I feel more comfortable, there is a lot that I have yet to show the world. Whether the world will accept that part of me I don’t know, but I am determined to get to the point where I don’t even care. I know what I need to do and it is only a matter of time before I reach the level that I have imagined for so long. People who look at me in person often judge me by the way I dress, as a result I often feel very misunderstood. A big thing that I want to accomplish in my life is to show the world not to judge a book by it’s cover, and to pay attention to things that you cannot see with human eyes. I want people to look much deeper into things before they judge people, as I know I am not the only one in this world who feels misunderstood.

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“13 Reasons Why” and the awkwardness between parent and child

There are no spoilers in this post by the way…I think?

So I’ve been watching the Netflix show “13 Reasons Why” and it makes me feel so awkward. Like the show gets pretty real, it shows things that I think most people are afraid to discuss on the regular, especially parents. The communication issues between the high school students and their parents made me angry – I guess because I can relate to them too.

Growing up I never felt completely comfortable opening up to my parents about sensitive issues. In fact, I could sense that my parents felt awkward about it too, especially my dad, and that made it even worse. I know my mom would attempt to ask me questions about my personal life, but I never really told her any details on a “real” level. I guess by my high school years it was already too late. I almost never discussed girls, or sex, or depression or anything like that with my parents during those years. If I did then it was only because my mom kept asking questions, but even then I always kept it very brief.

I personally feel like parents need to make it very clear from a young age that it’s okay to discuss “taboo” issues such as these. They have to make it feel normal so that their child will open up to them from a young age. Then, when the kids are in high school and they go through all of the shit that the real world has to offer, they can safely confide in their parents without all of the awkwardness and miscommunication. For example, If the child is feeling depressed then they need to feel like they won’t be judged, or misunderstood from the people most close to them. If they can’t even get that from their own parents then that’s when things such as suicide or drug addiction become a real possibility.

Also, parents need to stop thinking that their kid is always right and perfect and the smartest person who ever lived. Like I’m guessing that’s just how it is when you have kids and you want to believe that your child is perfect. But no…that even further alienates the child from the parent. If you always say how perfect your child is then when they actually get into trouble, or if they make a big life mistake then there is no way they can come to you and tell you straight up. This happened so many times in the show that it made me feel sick.

This show is the realist shit ever by the way. Drugs, alcohol, sex, rape, relationships, social class, money, depression, bullying, this show does not hold back. And although I felt pretty awkward at times watching this show, I felt like I needed to keep going.  The lessons to be learned, and the thoughts that are to be provoked from watching this show are priceless. Pretty much any age group can benefit a lot from watching this show in my opinion.

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Oh and the personality types! The best part of any TV show for me. I loved that there was so much diversity in the types of people that were on the show. Sure, there was no visible INFJ in there but that’s because we are not really the norm. Is it just me or do INFJs get really absorbed into any tv show they watch? Sometimes I feel like what is happening to some of the characters is happening to me so I feel so distressed, angry and awkward. Must be the empathy?

Anyway, I am on the final episode now and I think I’ll finish it a little bit later tonight. This is gonna be so deep omg, I can already taste the awkwardness.

 

So I met this girl (part 2)

This doesn’t make sense unless you read part 1 of the story here


So yea I asked her out. Valentine.

The only girl that I ever straight up asked out in my entire life.

It was awkward…oh god.

So we had been texting for a while right. I however doubted myself and lacked the confidence to make the big leap for a long time. We would text almost everyday for about a month or so, but then it suddenly stopped. I think I just convinced myself that it wasn’t worth the risk, despite having such strong feelings for her, so I just gave up.

About 3 months later I text her out of the blue. It was a few days before valentines day, maybe that’s what inspired me at the time. I told her I wanted her advice about a girl I liked. We met up in front of the library at school when no one was around.

I couldn’t even look at her. I actually had to face sideways while confessing to her. I was just too scared. But I did it…I ended up telling her my feelings that day. That I always had a crush on her…

Deep down I knew that she was going to reject me. I did not expect much but still, it hurt. I built up the courage and got rejected after all that. I never held it against her.

At the time I was not in a very good place overall. I was antisocial, shy, anxious, depressed, confused, just about everything you could think of. Of course my confidence was very low too, seeing as I couldn’t even look at the girl.

Fast forward to late 2016.

On November 16, 2016 I discovered that my personality type was INFJ. It blew my mind. Everything made sense. I felt like I was searching for something my entire life…an answer. I honestly felt just too awkward and anxious, ALL THE TIME. And I would always be so tired.

This moment was the most relief I had ever felt in my entire life.

Finally I understood what was going on and finally I can explain to others what was going on as well. In the past I tried everything to “fix” this problem of mine. Drugs, alcohol, diet, working out. They all helped…but only temporarily.

A few months prior I went to the doctor and got prescribed Zoloft, an anti-depressant that was suppose to lessen my anxiety. I honestly would have done anything to feel “normal” at the time so I gave it shot. I stopped taking them only a few weeks ago…

So yea, Valentine. When I found out I was the INFJ personality type I instantly shared an
article to Facebook from Introvert Dear about 10 Type Secrets of the INFJ.

Unexpectedly, Valentine commented on my post saying that she was an INFP. I replied that I vibe with INFPs.

The next month I ran into her at a random Halloween party. She was wearing a costume that looked like a black female singer from the 70’s. She was wearing an afro wig that was actually pretty awesome and I complemented her on it. I was kind of hitting on her a bit but not really. Just like in the past we kept meeting eyes though, like really obviously.

Fast forward to 2017.

In January I randomly had the urge to throw a party. I was going to do it in my apartment with my roommates but It ended up happening at the place of another friend of mine.

Valentine showed up! OMG. Like why the hell is she always everywhere lol.

Anyway, it was so different. Likely because I gained so much confidence and clarity since she last saw me. I was still confused about a lot of things though. Like what to do after college and what I wanted to do with my life.

She hugged me when she saw me which was very rare and unexpected. Then we started talking a bit and we ended up discussing INFPs and INFJs. She was surprised that I knew so much about each personality type despite only learning about it a few months prior.

The whole night the eye locking intensified. Like it was beyond obvious and the mutual attraction was there. Nothing happened that night but she ended up driving me home
after the party. I kept insisting that we talk more and she agreed. She said she would message me soon.

The next day she sent me a message. She sent me a numerology test from CafeAstrology. The same one I put on all of my number posts haha.

At the time I had been intensely self studying Depth Psychology and MBTI. I knew a lot about every single type. I would teach all of my friends spontaneously too. I would even message friends I hadn’t talk to in ages and tell them to take the personality test online. A lot of them did and it made me so happy. I was also into Astrology as well, but I didn’t get into the real stuff in till just recently.

I took the test and it amazed me. The numbers resonated with me and I was hooked…I showed her my numbers and she showed me hers. She had lots of 9s.

Her reply:

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Fast forward to now. April 12, 2017.

After that we kept talking through Facebook, never meeting in person.  On March 3rd when I discovered the whole lucky number thing, the 3333333s(Read part 1) I messaged her about it.

done

She ignored what I said and changed the subject. We kept talking through Facebook but I was dying to talk to her about all of this stuff in person. Eventually after sending multiple essays back and forth to eachother, we agreed to grab a bite to eat and chat.

talk

She ended up canceling, and we resumed talking through fb only.

On March 5 I asked if she was free to meet up soon so we can talk.

phone bill

Then all communication stopped. She didn’t reply.

Now it pissed me off at first because she dumped all of this new information then left me on my own. I had no clue that I was so good at artistic things. I had no idea that I was suppose to create. I always knew I could do a lot of things, but I never knew what I was meant to do.

After a while I started to accept what was going on and I calmed down. I thought rationally about it and I decided to pour myself into studying Numerology. Not just Numerology, but Astrology and Depth Psychology as well.

I was determined to figure this all out and I wanted to see if Numerology was something more than what it seemed at first glance. Maybe I drowned myself in all of this knowledge in order to forget about Valentine, who knows.

Actually wait…now that I think about it, that might be why I put so much work into this blog in such a short amount of time. All of this is probably motivating me past my normal limits because I made my first blog post on March 5th, and she stopped talking to me on March 5th too. LOL

Eventually I narrowed down the reasons to why I thought she didn’t reply.

  • She is actually just really busy? I mean she is a college student…
  • She saw that I can’t pay my phone bill and doesn’t want to be with a scrub. lol
  • She knows about Venus in Retrogade. (March 4th to April 15th)

Ding ding ding. My intuition tells me it’s the third answer.

It doesn’t make sense for her to just not reply otherwise. She could at least talk to me so we can discuss all of this newfound knowledge. If she won’t even meet with me then maybe she is scared that it will lead to something more.

Love is risky during Venus in Retrogade. Things often go topsy turvy without a moment’s notice. I would also certainly expect her to be aware of this too because I already know that she is very knowledgeable about all of this stuff. She knew a lot about all 3 (Astrology, Numerology, and Depth Psychology), before I even knew what this stuff was. Plus she introduced me to Numerology in the first place, which is the reason this blog even exists O_O

I’m going to continue to wait.

I will wait until after April 15th before I message her again. It’s gonna be so funny if I’m actually right about the retrogade thing. If not then oh well lol. At least we can finally discuss Numerology and stuff.

She does not know that I made this blog. In fact, no one does. I have not told my friends or family about any of this. Not yet at least…

Stay tuned for part 3!!! I wonder how this is gonna turn out…so exciting!