The comfort zone from hell and my problems with self-expression

For a large majority of my life I’ve had a lot of problems regarding self-expression. In particular, communicating verbally was the worst for me. As a child I always had a lot of trouble putting my thoughts into words and I would always speak waayyy too fast. Seriously, anything that popped into my head I would just blurt out, from one topic to the next. To top it off, I also had a speech impediment. I just couldn’t pronounce certain words for the longest time. For example,

Me trying to ask my dad for something would be like,

Me: I wanna play dames! Can we go rent a dame?

Dad: What??

Me: A dame! I wanna play dames!

Dad: *most confused face ever*   ???

Me: Don’t you know what a dame is!?

Dad: Ooohhhh, a game. *Tells everyone in the room and everyone starts laughing hysterically*

Me: *mad and embarrassed* 😡

Haha, they teased me about this for the longest time too and I’m pretty sure my Dad mentioned this a few weeks ago as well. It wasn’t just one incident though, similar situations continued to happen where people were unable to understand what I was trying to say. This was just really disheartening as a child. It honestly just made me really sad when people weren’t able to understand me and I would have to explain things over and over again. I was also quite the sensitive child and a perfectionist too. I mean, I didn’t even know what a perfectionist was back then, but now that I am much older I understand that it has always been a part of my character.

I think most people would be able to get over this type of thing pretty quickly but I really let it get to me. Eventually, I just decided that I was better off not talking as much and keeping my words as short as possible. So when people would ask me questions about something I would only respond with a few words. My favorite response was “I dunno.” or, I would just *shrug* and smile 🙂

I found that things were much easier this way because I didn’t need to feel embarrassed or disheartened anymore. Big mistake. Although I didn’t feel those things as much anymore, I also started getting too comfortable with not speaking. Before I knew it I had retreated into a shell, a comfort zone from hell! Seriously. This went on until well….like now. I’m still in that comfort zone from hell.

It only got worse and worse over time. I ended up convincing myself that I sucked at communicating verbally so I shouldn’t even try. And because of the fact that I always kept my words so short, I never really learned how to communicate properly. This continued from elementary school, to middle school, to high school, and even to college. As I got older, I also started to care more and more of what people thought of me, making it even harder to break out of my shell.

Basically, I had completely forgotten what it was like before I went into my comfort zone. I used to talk so much and speak so fast because I really enjoyed communicating with people. I actually love self-expression more than anything in the world, It just took me until now to finally realize it. Not only that, I realized that I’m actually quite the eloquent speaker, I just never took the time to learn how to speak properly.

It’s really funny actually…the thing I was most afraid of my entire life was actually the thing I enjoy the most. I enjoy speaking! I enjoy writing! Dancing, singing, I’m in love with self-expression! Deep down inside I always knew it but I convinced myself that it wasn’t worth it because my shell was just too comfortable.

Now every single day I am working on breaking out of my shell and expressing myself. I’m not sure how long it going to take, but I hope that someday I am able completely destroy my comfort zone and express myself to everyone like I used to when I was really young.  I’m not sure if you can imagine…retreating into my shell for so many years and then finally making an effort to break free, it’s pretty tough, but I am determined to do this. This is my current number one goal in my life…to break free from the comfort zone from hell, into a expressive carefree veil from heaven!

 

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So I met this girl (5.5)

Okay, I don’t doubt any of this anymore.

This girl is my twin flame. I have a fucking twin flame!

Before all of this I was so miserable. I didn’t even want to look at reality I was that miserable. My anxiety issues were absolutely unbearable and nothing would fix them. I was depressed, lost, and nothing interested me. I went to the doctor and got anti-depressants but even that didn’t do much. I would smoke weed everyday because I hated reality that much. My financial situation was absolutely terrible, I had student loans to worry about, I ran up credit card bills without even thinking, I was broke af, it was bad. And it is still really really bad.

Before all of this I was going to school for something that I had no interest in. My future looked so unappealing to me but that was the only way I could survive in this world I thought. Work a 9 to 5 until the day I die just to get money. I don’t want to work for money, I want to do what I love. I need freedom.

Everything changed as soon as this girl entered my life, I was granted freedom. I started seeing a future that was bright. My anxiety started to go down. I started to actually care about the world. I began to figure out ways to fix my financial situation. I started to express myself! I never expressed myself before all of this. Expressing myself feels good and I’m going to do it a whole lot more.

A lot of my “friends” and even my older brothers know about this blog and that made me so self-conscious. They don’t believe this stuff, no one I know believes any of this stuff and it made me want to censor everything I said because I knew they would be able to read it. No more. I don’t care anymore. I am going to speak my mind.

I found the truth. All of this shit is true. This girl, my twin flame, showed me the truth.

Today the real Austin aka Aphrolina aka Aphrosodite is born.

So I met this girl (part 5)

It’s been a while since I’ve updated the story but things have changed. Here is the previous part of the story in case you missed it – (part 4). This is the story about the girl who I suspect is my twin flame.

I know I said previously in the story that I have no doubt in my mind that she is my twin flame but that’s not exactly true. I definitely have my doubts and my faith is not absolute… but I think there is really no other explanation to all of this.

About 2 months ago she did end up responding to my messages. I asked her,

“So do you hate me or something? Like if you saw me walking down the street would you turn the other way?”

She replied that it wasn’t that bad. She said that she has faith in me that I will grow and that she is in a selfish place right now and nothing good could come out of this. This was very relieving to hear, I mean at least we are not on bad terms and it’s good to know that she has faith in me.

However, since then I texted her periodically and she didn’t respond to anything I said. Actually the last time I texted her was just a few days ago. I really think I need to stop being so attached and remain independent. I shouldn’t think of silence as a negative thing because we are both healing and growing. My heart is telling me that I shouldn’t contact her anymore and that I should just have faith in both her and the universe. However, this is not exactly the easiest task in the world for me. I can’t even look at this blog without thinking of her because she was the one who inspired me to make it.

I really have an attachment towards her and it kills me inside sometimes. The moment she came into my life everything was flipped upside down. Seriously, my life has COMPLETELY changed since she came into my life about 7 months ago. I mean she has been in my life for years and I first met her almost 4 years ago but as soon as she introduced Numerology to me my life has never been the same…there is no way to reverse this and I have no choice but to accept reality and deal with it. I mean things have been changing for the better and I’ve been making some real progress in my life. And as much as it pains me sometimes I am really grateful that all of this happened.

I think I just really want to be in contact with her. I just want some kind of connection even if it’s just a friendship and it hurts that I can’t have that. The fact that I have this abnormal connection to her leaves me no choice but to believe that she in my twin. But nothing will change as long as I continue thinking this way. The only way things will change is if I accept the fact that we may never reunite, in the physical realm at least.

So now I just need to fully accept this and let go. Have faith in the universe and stop being so negative. Only then will things start to change. I am going to work on being more independent and focus on staying positive. Focus on raising my vibration, that’s all I can do now.

 

 

So I met this girl (part 4)

This is likely the last ‘so I met this girl’ you will hear from me, unless something miraculous happens…

She finally responded to my messages and she seems to have no interest in resolving the situation, and I cannot convince her otherwise. I realized though that continuing to chase her will not solve anything, it will likely only make the situation worse. I need to let her do her own soul searching and come to her own conclusion about all of this.

I am not expecting anything really but I cannot say that I have given up completely. I just think that time needs to do its thing and if this is meant to happen then its meant to happen. I believe that this is not something that can be resolved with force or persistence.

So many things have happened in just the past week or so and almost all of my past demons and insecurities have resurfaced. However, I was able to defeat and learn from each and every one of those experiences. It was a little creepy because it seemed like each and every one of those situations were meant to happen, almost like it was planned.

I am actually very thankful that all of this happened. My life has changed drastically from my interactions with her and it will never be the same. The change was for the better and I have grown so much thanks to this.

We have currently cut ties from each other and I will make no attempt to contact her as of now. It did not end on a good note and we are not currently friends or anything of the sort. I hold no ill feelings toward her and I wish her the best in whatever she decides to do with her life.

The emotional roller coaster seems to finally be slowing down a bit, but I feel like the changes may not stop. I will likely have to go through many more trials and tribulations in the future but I actually feel prepared now.

I feel like I can finally rest now after so much worry and stress. I am going to continue to focus on myself and on growing as an individual. Despite everything that happened I have to say that the future looks bright and I am very excited to see where life takes me.